dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
