i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
