Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
