I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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