between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
