you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
