vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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