Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
