So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
