did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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