So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
