We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
