Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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