do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
