oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
