Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
