It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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