I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
