In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This baby is an asshole
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
