He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
