Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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