It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
