It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
