Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
