my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
