we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Send help, water and tortillas.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
