First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize