Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
