is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
