I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
