i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
