between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
