Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
high people should be assigned attendants
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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