He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize