Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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