you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
