i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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