3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
