my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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