Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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