Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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