thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize