i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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