There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
