Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
