I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
