Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What did we do last night that was yellow?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
