Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
