got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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