Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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