Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
