apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
