You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
