If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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