God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
