Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
