Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
