Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
