Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize